Where To Go From Here? Still Looking After A Year Of Swinging

It’s been a year.  While we dabbled for awhile previously, it’s been a full year of embracing the lifestyle and giving it a go. The fella and I have loved swinging, despite the challenges of swinging down south.  It’s been an interesting year, and if anything- I’ve learned to be stronger in articulating my boundaries with strangers, and questioning the ones I have when I truly feel safe around people.

The biggest mistakes we made in the first year of the swinging lifestyle, was being far too accommodating for others when I wasn’t into it. I consistently found myself making excuses for people we had just met, in an attempt to fit in, and far too uptight with people who wanted us to feel comfortable and weren’t trying to push us.  If anything, we’ve made every kind of mistake in swinging, but a year later, we’ve come full circle.

At this point, I’m wondering where to go from here. We’re now comfortable swinging as a couple, but I have to ask the hard questions as what I want as an individual in the lifestyle.  

We love hanging out with new people and having pool parties that turn sexy, but often, I’ve tapped out, rather than partaken, when things aren’t quite right- and I’m not sure what it would take to get to an ideal I have not yet identified.  Honestly, I don’t know what I want.

So, the road to blissful Swingerdom is not a straight line.  A year in, we are still finding what works and what gets my gears turning. I’ve found a few things that I *don’t* want to do, but in terms of finding a place to cruise for couples, it’s been tough.


In our first year of swinging, we attended a few parties and went to the local swingers club- but since, we’ve let our Kasidie profile lapse, and stopped attending events all together.  Honestly, when things have been so busy, it’s been hard to find time to be sexy with each other, much less find time to date other people.

Over a year in, I feel sort of lost.  I feel like I’ve lost my sexy spark, and am working on getting it back.  As a couple, we’ve started working out again, I’ve been reading some good books on kink and open relationship, a la The Ethical Slut, but often find that sex is the last thing on my mind and spending time on the dating sites feels like an impossible dream. Any spare time we can muster is dedicated to finding to feeling physically and emotionally balanced, amongst the demands with family, work and projects.

On a positive note, I’ve been taking time to explore and ride out this lull in desire for what it’s worth. I have been getting really into vintage porns, and by really, I mean, trying to find them and watch them for both their genuineness, at times, cringeworthy moments that makes you grateful for feminism. Like, really grateful.

Early2Bed had some vintage porns on DVD and I finally saw Debbie Does Dallas!  Yes, I’m quite behind on the times.  Vintage porns are my new faves y’all. They’re terribly wonderful. Though, I will say that I was pretty bummed that Debbie never actually made it to Dallas in the course of the film.  I was kind of hoping for more cowboys, but it is what it is.  Also, the characters were “16” though adults during filming, and that is beyond icky.  Oh vintage porn!  Full muffs and flirting with statutory rape and sexual harassment in the workplace like it’s nothing.

Real bodies, terrible plot lines, questionable cinematography, a fair share of awkward interactions that didn’t get edited out and of course, you always feel grateful for feminism when you watch them.

Honestly, they’re little gems if you can get your hands on a copy- it’s both refreshingly different and empowering to see how far we’ve come where this was the only smut we had to choose from.  Hooray for vintage porn!

Coming full circle, I’m not sure where we will go from here, but I know you can’t pour from an empty cup.  We’re working on us as individuals and as couples- we can’t just work 60 hours a week any longer and still have the bandwidth to feel sexy.

I’m hoping we will get back on Kasidie, and I hope we will find some other couples our age locally that we can at least be open with about our lifestyle, even if we don’t hook up.  That would be ever so nice, wouldn’t it?  Being slightly less closeted with other 30/40 year olds would be great…but we shall see.

Hope you’ll be along for the ride as we figure things out!


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