Stumbling Forward…Figuring Out What You Want & Need In the Lifestyle
It’s been nearly a month since my last post. Part of me thinks this is insane, and part of me realizes it’s been a busy month with many deep breaths along the way to wonder when the sexy part of my brain is going to switch back on.
I’ve been working. A lot. Like, a fucklot.
Over the last 30 days, I got a promotion. I started some new projects, sold off some property and have been ramping up for what’s ultimately going to be a crazy time come late fall and early winter.
We’re heading to Desire for a week with the Life on the Swingset Takeover (hells yes!), and with the election, holiday travels and ramping up for fresh new year that is 2017, my brain has been less on the sexy parts of being with amazing people at Desire, and more agonizing over logistics and the fuckwadcrazy that is the next 4 months.
Needless to say, I’ve not been feeling really sexy. Or really…not at all able to get a charge of the dead car battery that is my brain lately.
For those out there that have stated your brain is your biggest, most important sex organ- I get it now.
I found this randomly. It’s a large organ, so I guess it works?
The last few weeks, I’ve had such little time to fuck around (literally and figuratively) it’s finally lead me to more clarity on what my needs are as an individual, and what our needs are as a couple.
In the beginning of our swinging adventures, as I’ve heard others say- you often feel obligated to explore or participate, even to “take one for the team,” because you don’t feel comfortable turning people down or you don’t know what you want. I have to say, I was one of those people for awhile.
I wanted to explore, and I often struggle to suss out the difference between a growing pain and a legitimate boundary.
Well, fuck that, ain’t nobody got time for that anymore.
I’ve come to a few conclusions. I like toys. I like house parties where coupling is more organic vs. contrived or coordinated. I don’t mind going home disappointed, which leads me to not being disappointed. I don’t like guys going down on me. I’m really paranoid about diseases and I constantly think I have something incurable and am borderline hypochondriac. I absolutely love deep conversations and I really need to get back into yoga.
If you’re feeling guilty that you don’t have enough brain space to figure out what you want/need- you may find it’s precisely what you need to get what you truly want.
When you can’t overthink things anymore (a lá yours truly), sometimes you just have to do a quick gut check because you don’t have time to screw around anymore when you really just to screw around.
All of this came from very minimal play time. Yep, sometimes it’s great to slow down when life hands you a wallop of crazy and you have to deal with everything BUT the fun stuff… it ironically sometimes gives you room to think about the fun stuff and get crystal clear about what you want, and what you don’t want.
The great thing about this new chapter is that not only am I understanding what I want and need, but I’m seeing that knowing those things is welcomed (from what I’ve seen and the crew I run with.) If we want to foster safe spaces for people to play and explore, we also have to set our boundaries.
At first, I mistakenly thought that boundaries were sort of shunting the fun process- in a way closing people, even ourselves, off form the fun that could be had or being judgmental about things you simply hadn’t tried enough. Then, I started to realize that having boundaries and preferences was not a negative, but a positive- letting people know what you like and what’s a non-negotiable actually facilitates exploration and helps everyone stay open.
I sort of realized the hard way- what’s worse: telling someone what you’re not willing to do or simply don’t enjoy as much as something else, or, instead, letting them figure out the hard way in the middle of a session- allowing their face to hit the glass as hard as possible?
Yep, it’s best to let people know your blueprints first.
Honestly, we haven’t explored as much as I’d have like in the few weeks, but for all the self-imposed guilt I’ve compiled for not being active enough- it’s given me time to reflect and more importantly, stand in the truth of what I’ve discovered without shame, and without apologies.
So, if you’re like me, and your brain has been totally occupied on work, family, kids and money instead of the sexiness you’d rather be focusing on- it might be a good thing, at least for a time, so just roll with it. It’s not sexy to go over spreadsheets or do laundry when you’d rather be out playing, but it does help you be more intentional with the time you do have, so, just roll with it.