Something Old, Something New: A Personal Sexual Evolution
The LELO Nea was my first big girl vibrator. After having a few rounds of terrible jelly vibrators, I wanted to go battery-less and get something I could recharge, that was quiet and discreet and would last beyond the cheap toys I’d had previously.
I don’t even remember where I bought it- probably online, but I’ve had this one toy for over 6 years now (I think!) and it’s been one of my favorites. It’s snug, it’s discreet and it was always reliable.
LELO has been the center of controversy lately with it’s new condoms and marketing that are, well… concerning (Marvy Darling did a fab job of detailing it), but the fact that this toy has lasted as long as it has is pretty amazing. It’s seen me through quite a journey. It went from being an object I wanted and didn’t question, to one of deviance, to probably the most reliable and tame thing in my arsenal.
I was ready to explore at 18 years old- the world was my oyster and I was sexually exploring in my early 20’s. For some reason, I started to feel self-conscious and then I went through several very conservative years- where sexuality was seen as dangerous and a liability. I struggled with my finances, and struggled with autonomy, and I worried that sexual exploration and entanglements could get in the way of my career and I began to retreat, putting my curiosity on the back burner.
My sexuality became a liability.
Later, I entered a relationship where vanilla was totally celebrated and embraced. My partner was uncomfortable to a point that’s almost laughable now, about anything that I had in my “bag of tricks.” I had assembled a few things that were fun to play with- cuffs, blindfolds, and even a pump, but anything beyond that little LELO Nea was seen as threatening in the bedroom, so the hold overs from my early 20’s were put as far back out of sight as possible.
I always want to be respectful and understanding of my partner’s sexual needs and boundaries, but there comes a point where you have to walk the fine line between their needs and yours to find a semblance of balance. In that relationship, I was perhaps too accommodating. We attempted to go to sex shops, very classy ones in fact, with only the best toys and I showed up to bat, and he never did.
Nearly three years later, things evaporated. I still had my LELO Nea, and I began to wonder what else was out there. I was happily, unconstrained.
After I left my 20’s and that relationship, I started to feel that there was a lot left on the table, and I cared less about what could be at stake by being vulnerable and honest about what I wanted and needed. To focus on career, life and all the pursuits of success you feel you need to rush for, I put my sexuality as far on the back burner as possible.
Slowly, the underwear drawer is getting a revamp. Slowly, the little “bag of tricks” I had with just a few toys and fun condoms is growing into an entire dresser drawer.
I guess, entering a new decade and finally having a supportive partner and finally, (finally!) having some semblance of financial and personal security has given me the much needed breath of fresh air to open up a long sealed box of curiosity again.
New undies, new textures, new adventures. I cannot wait to try them all, and I’m not afraid of who I am, or what I want anymore, and luckily, I have less to censor myself over for the first time in a long time.
I’ve hopped out of one closet, and into a new one, but it’s a fabulous one to be inside of. There are a lot more fun people here.