Dealing With Busy Vanilla Lives, Emotional Exhaustion & Swinging
Holy hell, I am so fucking tired sometimes.
Since setting up our Kasidie profile about 7-ish months ago and attending events at a local club and house parties, our social lives and career responsibilities seemingly have been tagging along together in an upward trajectory.
The dude and I are evolving workaholics, and scheduling playtime-which is extra challenging for swingers, has been sort of a struggle lately.
When you get into swinging, you will probably find, like we did, that the lifestyle opens up a slew of possibilities that can fill up your dance card rather quickly. While heading to the club has usually been a spontaneous event for a Friday night where we feel frisky- making the rest of the lifestyle work can be quite a bit of work and take a good amount of planning. Playdates with other couples can range from a quick flirt on Kasidie that rolls into a romp rather quickly, but for us, we’ve always liked to get to know people first and slowly build towards a playdate. Yes, we’re a bit old fashioned- but we don’t fuck on the first date!
That being said, making connections in the lifestyle can be time consuming. From the time spent on Kasidie, rolling through profiles, to the conversations back and forth to see if there’s a connection, then setting up a time to connect, it can be a lengthy process.
Additionally, while the dude has been great at responding to people- I’ve been so scattered on other projects, that keeping up with the app has felt like another chore.
I can mindlessly flip through Instagram after a stressful day at work, but when it comes to evaluating potential partners, I just have decision fatigue from my day job. I literally have no gas in the tank to make decisions about dinner lately, much less “wow, is this person a fit for my partner and I?” or the conversation that typically needs to follow.
Truly, being in the lifestyle is just another segment of an existing life- people don’t change all that much after getting their toes wet- introverts and extroverts might find that their dating habits translate over to swinging quite similarly. For me, I’m a combo intro/extrovert, and while I LOVE going out and hanging out with people, there are times that the very act of scheduling is a totally exhausting chore.
When I was single and dating on OKCupid years ago, I would have to set aside time and be in the right mood to look for love, otherwise, it fell so far back on my radar that I just didn’t want to think about it. Usually, after the rest of the neglected hierarchy of needs had been met- bills, food, work out, family, friends…. then I would have the headspace to be like “heeeyyy sexy!” so yes, it didn’t happen as often as I’d like.
I’m an extrovert at parties, but when it comes to forming new relationships- I’m totalllllyyyy introverted. It takes effort for me to do any sort of outreach that could lead to deeper intimacy and start the conversation.
I’ve found that lately, with both my vanilla lifestyle and my swinging circles- I usually work nonstop Monday through Friday and come about 3:30 on Friday afternoon, it’s like the weekend has taken me by surprise, as if weekends have never happened before and I suddenly don’t know what to do with the non-work time I’m afforded each and every week. I’m pretty much the same person who forgets to schedule in fun and flirtations today, as I was 5 years ago. Yikes.
Oh shit, it’s Friday? What am I going to do with myself?
Additionally, we’ve hit a wall a few times with potential playdates to find a hotel if play can’t be done at home, the timeline gets longer and longer to accommodate. If you’re also dating other couples, or want to- you know how challenging it can be to clear away sexy time. While my friends can come over at a moment’s notice and don’t mind my clutter, I find that connecting with other couples requires me to make quite a bit of time and space to accommodate- spatially, physically and emotionally.
For the partner and I, our jobs have been all consuming lately. We’ve been working on some projects and shopping for a house (a very long tail sort of project) and dealing with some family issues on top of that. The fella also works long hours and sometimes weekends, which leaves us both pretty tired by week’s end- and out of laundry, groceries, and with bills to pay before Monday rolls around.
We have attempted, and failed, several times to get our schedule down to a science both in our personal lives and in the lifestyle itself. It’s one of those mundane things that is unsexy to talk about, but totally a part of the lifestyle- effective scheduling.
Our #squadgoal included the following: Two weeknights a week to work out. One weeknight a week dedicated to working on our other projects. One weeknight available for socializing/special events, and Friday to be our date night, otherwise, it would be used to be really boring and catch up on life if the dude needs to work Saturdays.
Yep…we’ve failed at scheduling, and our calendar is already feeling pretty full- and that doesn’t even account for swingdates or play parties. Top that with the feeling of exhaustion I’ve been facing lately, and the idea of a playdate leaves me feeling anything but sexy.
I don’t know how other swingers and sex bloggers deal with the ebb and flow of availability and the energy needed to go with it- but there are times when I have the bandwidth to hang out, but my body either a.) doesn’t cooperate (ladies can relate to this) or b.) I still need additional time to catch up on primping for shaving, nails, hair washing and whatever else to get my sexy mojo working again.
I honestly don’t know how some sex toy review bloggers I follow keep up with it all- there may be a good week or two at a time where being sexy, much less blogging about it, is at the very bottom of my priority list. When you’re already exhausted from a busy schedule, how do you even fit in time, or find the energy necessary to revv up those engines? It’s something we’re still working out, and I’m guessing there’s no perfect answer.
If you’re in the lifestyle, or thinking about it, you may struggle to find the balance between work and play. There will be times where you’re willing but not able- or the stress from work and family spill over into decreasing your energy and libido. We’re learning not to freak out about this- we hate declining invitations, but our more seasoned friends assure us, there’s still plenty to go around and there will be time to hop on the next wave when it crests- rest when you need to.