Dealing With Body Image Issues As A Swinger

 

If you’re entering the world of swinging, there can be a few stumbling blocks in the way before you truly find your stride.  In the beginning, when we (as a heterosexual, white couple) entered into this world, we read plenty of content geared for newbies that was focused on jealousy, emotional connections and keeping a existing relationship intact when new partners and scenarios are introduced.

For us, while there was plenty of fumbling and lots of long talks about what the swinging world could do to our relationship to each other, there also was a lot going on internally that we didn’t anticipate- namely, how swinging would impact our relationship with ourselves.

I hope to write more about exploring your sexuality and trying new things later- but for today, I really want to talk about body image in the swinging world.

If you’ve been used to a twosome your whole life- you know the sort of fear and anxiety that can well up inside you when things get hot and heavy for the first time and you’re disrobing.  You really like this person, you want them to want you, and your bits and most intimate parts are on display.

At times, it can seem like the world stops when you skimp down to your skivvies.  Nudity is a big deal. Hell, even the underwear you chose to wear on your date is a big deal.  It’s a one on one moment of vulnerability that can be nerve wracking for most anyone, so if you’re new to swinging, the idea of being naked in front of a new couple, and potentially several (or a room full) at once can be totally daunting.

Here are some of my tips and general observations about being naked and body confident in the swinging world- I hope they’re helpful.

 

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You may be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there will still be someone who doesn’t like peaches.

This quote has been stunningly powerful for me- and while Dita Von Teese is an absolutely gorgeous as a pinup model and burlesque star and it seems easy for her to say, it’s also true for us “normals.”  In fact, it might even be more true because someone so friggin’ near my form of perfect said it.  If even someone as fab as her, whom I can’t imagine would be unlikable to anyone isn’t everyone’s favorite flavor, being desired by all is simply unattainable.  (And for me, it feels freeing.)

If you’re worried you’ll be too fat, too tall, too short, your boobs are too small or your bits aren’t appealing- chances are, for some of the people you encounter, this will be true, and they aren’t your people. 

You could also feel the sting of rejection simply because you’re a redhead and someone isn’t into redheads.  You’re fabulous the way you are, and changing yourself because of how you think other people perceive you is a fool’s errand.  For any couple or person that’s not into you, you’ll find others who are.  Be your best peach, because you’re not everyone’s flavor anyway. The right person will find you absolutely delectable.

You Don’t Have To Fit A Stereotype To Be Sexy

While Kasidie and other dating sites might give a different perception (as I’ve blogged about before) that people in the lifestyle are these super fun, party animals with perfect bodies and excellently waxed bikinis who always seem to be with other sexy skinny people on a beach- that’s just the marketing.  In reality, there are a variety of people who swing and they come from a variety of backgrounds.  Swingers come in all shapes and sizes, and have different ways of emoting their sexuality.

Not everyone is comfortable in a g-string.  Some of us don’t want to be in 7″ stripper heels and club wear (as you’ll see at some parties or clubs.)  Not every guy sports a spray tan and downs a whey protein super shake every morning.

Yes, there are plenty of people who express themselves that way- who literally look as if their profile photos can double as a cologne ad, but that’s not everyone.  You’ll find your stride, and it’s okay if you feel sexiest in jeans and corset, or jeans and cowboy boots.  You might prefer sexy lingerie to being totally naked at parties, or perhaps you love highlighting your nerdy side with an excellent costume.  Trust me, there’s plenty of variety in the scene, and space for you, if you keep looking.

It May Take Time To Cultivate What Makes You Confident

I will be honest with you, our first visit to a club was kind of funny.  In my “normal” life, I’m quite conservative.  I don’t show off a lot of cleavage.  I don’t wear really high heels.  I’m just as comfortable in workout clothes and a messy bun as I am in bluejeans.

When we made the jump to go to a club for the first time, I was the only woman in a little black dress that didn’t have either ass or boobs showing and I was literally the only woman in flats.  I looked as if I had just come from a date night at a nice restaurant, and in fact, I had. It was what made me feel confident and beautiful.

The club was awash with beautiful women in skimpy club attire- slinky, low cut tops, super high heels or skin tight, sheer dresses.  Some wore nothing but a bra and panties.    I felt super self-conscious, but I honestly didn’t own any of that stuff, and since I was not made of money and don’t moonlight as a stripper on the weekends, I didn’t want to have an entire separate wardrobe  that would require me to wear a trench coat in the summer heat to leave the condo.

But hey- that’s just me.  It took me some time to get to that place.  I allowed their beauty and expression diminish mine, but it was all in my head.  They weren’t doing it to make me feel small, they were doing it to feel great themselves.

I still typically sport what I’m comfortable in and I’m not apologizing.  I have worn heels and club attire, but I also wear a totally vanilla-passing little black dress when out to parties or clubs.

What makes me feel sexy is spending time getting ready that I normally don’t indulge in- curling my hair, putting on my nicest underthings, painting my nails and putting on a kick ass, sexy playlist.

Let it be known, I don’t have a beach body.  I’m not super tan. I don’t always have my nails done.  I don’t like shaving my bush completely off, so I stopped doing that and stopped worrying about it.

If someone doesn’t like my style, I’m just simply not their peach.  That’s okay.  I can’t please everybody, but I also do no one a favor by conforming beyond my comfort zone in a futile attempt to try and try to validate myself by being something I’m not.

 

 

 

If you’re feeling self-conscious in the scene, it may never fully go away, but confidence can build over time.  You will have high days and low days.

I try and go with the flow whenever the tide rises or falls, since not every day will I be bubbling with confidence- but I can try to get back to that place regularly by working with what I’ve got and taking a chance to embrace what and who I am again and again.

 

 

 

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